On not needing

The other day I had the thought that I need to stop needing. It's a oxymoron I know, if you need to stop needing that's needing something. In and of itself you're doomed to failure if you need it. Okay so I wish to stop needing. This of course is the fundamental teaching of the Buddha. He termed it Nirodha - or a cessation of suffering. How to get there is to eliminate all attachment and desire. Many years of practice in the Buddhist tradition may or may not bring one close to this, it's hardcore.  But hey even a whiff of not suffering is tempting enough to make a stab at it. Think on it, if I do not desire or want I may stop this suffering? I do in some part of my deepest soul know this truth, problem is I do not know how to stop wanting or desiring, I do not know how to not feel attachment, to let go, to not yearn, to not need. But like I said I want it.

Why? I asked myself do you feel this need to stop needing? It's had to pin down, I am not fully sure yet, lets say it's born out of a thought that what I am doing isn't working. All the needing and yearning I have felt these last many years have caused me much much suffering. I am looking for a new way. I only have a faint hint that this may help, so I am at a point where I am desperate enough to want try it. I know I know,  ironic- desperately needing to stop needing.

I want to stop wanting all things in my life. I have started to practice letting it slip when need comes to me. It is the only way I can do this. I am too much of a neophyte to know how to let it go, I am not there yet, enough if I can just let it slip a bit - or more specifically to just let it get loose from it's moorings in my consciousness. I feel a need, a desire, an attachment to someone or something, a yearning, a craving, a inner feeling that needs fixing or holding and I practice it. I let it slip.  Slide out of my grip -go now, off with it-it causes only suffering to me. I must say it's easier to do this while on antidepressants that in me tend to squash all feelings to some degree. But that is okay, I don't have to change that because for now I just accept that is how it is, I am feeling less because my neurotransmitters are busy doing other things like reuptaking. I go with the flow. Maybe the more I practice this dis-attachment, this not needing or dwelling and reveling in the thoughts emotions and feelings that surround my needs and desires, the easier not needing will get. Maybe the less needing I feel, the less I will suffer, the less disappointment, sadness and tragedy I will have in my life. I do not know.

I worry though, that I will become non-feeling, a hermit sheltered from life and all it's happiness when desire is not allowed to flourish-I let that slip.  What if I can't feel anything anymore about  Terry? I let that slip- What if I stop needing and become a island- I let that slip. What if I become dead inside? I let that slip.  What if I never feel joy, suffering, grief, love, excitement, anticipation and all the offshoots of these mysterious and wonderful feelings that fuck yes I need and want???- I let that slip. That it won't work and I will remain needing and suffering. I let that slip too.