Permanence

I read a study about people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived. Every single one of them stated they felt instant regret as soon as they leaped. Think about that. To go from a state of such bereft desolation, pain and despair that to die is a relief, a chosen escape, to in an instant knowing that was all so so wrong. I can only partly imagine this scenario. Sadly, I have been in the depth of this type of despair in my life a few times, happily I never took any drastic steps. Happily I know that pain does heal and the despair recedes and is replaced with life.

Nothing is permanent. Not our most despairing feelings, not our greatest joys. It is kind of one of those enigma's in life, why can't we grasp and keep what is good? What is right?  What we desire? Damned if I know. Why does life shift and change and no longer remain permanent? Would it be boring if it stayed the same? Would we die inside if we lived a life the same with the same wonderful feelings and sameness around us? I can't answer that because I have not lived that life. I guess maybe somewhere some people might have? Maybe they lived a life where no one they loved died or changed -where they stayed in the same house, the same city the same life with the same loved ones and they just lived out life without any change or loss. It could happen maybe.

More to the reality is that we specks on this blue dot get tossed and thrown hither and fro to the winds of change. We all know it we have songs about it, movies and books and art reflect our common humanity as beings who must have our little pieces of permanence ripped from our arms, our hearts our souls. So here is what I was thinking about that.  That what a fucking marvel it is that we as humans know how to adapt and cope with impermanence. I've watched and studied those people I know humans who adapted well to huge change- new jobs, lost jobs- changes in lifestyle, loss of spouses, children- they all survived to tell the tale. They not only survived they thrived!

It makes my heart leap with joy that this is so, that it is possible to survive the greatest impermanence life can throw our way. Give it to me despite my death grip, pry those fingers, that mindset loose, walk out of the woods, step down from that railing because life is gonna sock it to you. You can go willing or go fighting but you will go, you will experience change. I fucking dare you to deny it Sussey. You too are becoming one of those you studied.

I feel it and it is not bad, it is not scary, it is welcome. It is coming my way plowing through the drudgery and staleness of my "permanent" roosting of widowhood. Hah move the fuck over the times they are changin as Dylan said. Let me blow in the wind of change, I want to feel that again. The newness the excitement to learn the newness.  And I thought just maybe we die when we no longer need to change, maybe we are dead when we are in a state of permanence. And then I thought- embrace change and life,  because you deserve it Sussey.