While I'm on about a song..... this one

 This is how it goes:
 
"I got the call today that I didn't want to hear but I knew that it would come" (and immediately I am transported to my living room on the phone, bright white snowy late march, "his c19 markers are way up, this is pancreatic cancer, and from the clinical picture you've described far advanced... I've ordered a cat scan for today".... it is always there  that trauma now a part of my cells my brain my body conjured up with tears through a verse)

"And I thought of all the bad luck and struggles we went through, how I lost me, and you lost you, what are these voices outside love's open door, make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more"  (Our bad luck and struggles are over, we can't reap the benefits only I am left to and I am sorry, but yes I do beg for more, it is part of life, it goes on, life has nothing more to offer than change... it our constant to rely on. Our commitments run their course, voices beckon outside love's door -  for what? Other love, other struggles of course)

"I'm learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes, the more I know, the less I understand, all the things I thought I knew I'm learning again" (miss you? miss you sometimes? How do I ever learn to live with this loss when I had no idea it could be so sharpe so cutting so all encompassing....but I have and I understand less and less how it just happens. And I learn to breath, and move and dress and sleep and eat and be without you, I learn to walk in baby steps out my door to work, still I don't understand. Instead I know nothing, I'm learning again, I wait for the lesson, some days I even welcome it, look for it, ask it to come, it does not mean I never loved you, it just means you are not here to love anymore)

"Ah these times are so uncertain, there's a yearning undefined, and people filled with rage, we all need a little tenderness, how can love survive in such a graceless age? Ah, the trust and self assurance that lead to happiness, they're the very things we kill I guess" (and I had my chance, my trust and self assurance in happiness that ended, is it my only chance? I have more love to give, and happiness to feel- with this I know how to live because you taught me, because I thought I knew and I didn't and now this yearning is defined - that love does survive in a graceless age because yes we all do need a little tenderness, it does not mean I never loved you, it just means you are not here to love anymore)

"there are people in your life who've come and gone, they let you down, you know they hurt your pride, you better put it all behind you baby, cause life goes on, you keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside baby" ( you taught me love, it was hard to put away the anger, always the anger eating me up inside, but you taught me baby to put it all aside, and now it is, there is no use for it because life does go on  and you can live it or you can die it. And I want to live it, in the love you taught not the anger I carried, so this you did, and this I have)

"I've been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter, but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if, even if, you don't love me anymore". (And I have oh, I have done everything to get to the heart of the matter and I know it is I know it is forgiveness yes .... for myself ... that I was weak, that I failed, that I didn't see soon enough, love you enough, give enough, be there for you enough. But I know forgive forgive forgive  even if in doing that you don't love me anymore. Forgiveness. Because to forgive me does not mean I never loved you, it just means you are not here to ask for forgiveness from anymore)

I want to hold these hands again, and tell you I am sorry and feel them forgive me- even if we can't love each other anymore. If I let go into this especially even if you can't love me anymore - but I can -there is forgiveness.