A new New Years Eve

This is the first new years eve since losing Terry that I have wanted to celebrate. I spent the first turning of a new year after he died with close family eating good food and saw out the worst year of my life with a sigh and "fuck you good riddance". I could not wait for the year to not be 2014, the year only about that he died. I felt nothing save grief and hate. The last two were spent at my close friend Cindy's, I wanted to be away from crowds and couples in general. Feeling that absence of the one I love to kiss when the year turned was too much to have other couples throwing it in my face- even if they were not -it felt that way to the grieving widow. I opted out for quiet instead. I had nothing to celebrate, I was just seeing out another year without him. So the fuck what.

This year feels slightly, ever so slightly different. I'll take that. I decided on a whim I would hold a small party at my house with my close friends and family. I went out and bought special treats, saw a recipe of a yummy treat I'd like to try and share that I will attempt with love and gratitude in my heart.  I will also treat myself to oysters and champagne to ring in the new year. I will dress up, I will dance and make a lot of noise, I might even get a lot tipsy as I welcome 2018 with a slight sense of hope and longing. This is new, I'll take this as well.

I want to analyze why I am okay with celebrating, what it means for me and how come this year is different, thinking if I can encapsulate it perfectly in a post here that I can hang on to this tiny piece of magic through the year. I have learned though over these past few years that it doesn't work that way. Knowing is not equated with understanding.  I know Terry is dead I don't understand why I have to live here without him. It will never be something I understand, and I need to let that go or it will weigh me down further than I want to go. I know I can survive, I know I can feel some gratitude for friends and family, I can celebrate. I don't understand why this year -four new years eve's after he is gone- why I am doing just that. And you know what? I don't care to understand it, I am just doing it. It's about fucking time. I deserve it.

Past new years eve's had been wonderful when I was married and with him, I often danced the night away, kissed him at midnight celebrating the end of a year and the start of a new year with him. One of my favorite new year's was a night we stayed in and had a delicious dinner together made by him, danced in our living room and rung in the new year the right way. I will cherish that one and the 34 new years eve's I got to celebrate with him. This one I don't. That just has to be okay - because what is my alternative? I am grateful today that he is in my heart as I go about my preparations, he would be proud of me for moving forward, for not crying alone in bed, for living, for surviving. I know it - I don't understand why it has to be so - but I know this.

Happy new year darling. Happy new year everyone.