Courage

In my online photography community group we are doing a 12 month series on self portraits. The month of June's topic is courage. The idea is to post a picture of yourself facing something head on, finding courage to do it. Some physical attribute or other aspect of yourself that you need courage to face.  This is thought provoking so really got me wondering about what I was going to post. I realized quite early it wasn't going to be a physical attribute. I have worked very hard and long to make peace with my body. I have gone from: cringing and crying through massages to absolutely loving them (only took about 15 years); hating the way I looked; decades of bad bad haircuts; flat chested to my too big boobs; children scarring my belly; cellulite settling in my fat knees and other places. You name it I gave it all the dirty looks and disgusted sighs over the years. I got it out of my system. I learned bodies are only the exterior where our true essence is housed (imagine having to learn this) and that looks don't matter as much as they do when you are young and your true essence has not yet fully flourished. Youth is so wasted on the young. This old crone had a nice body once, slim and unscarred but little essence, no interior depth. I'll take essence of spirit and soul any day. And there is a lot of freedom in this, a lot. Amen to that sister.

So I knew my post was not going to be about physicality. I know where I need courage, where I have always needed it. It's in my voice. My inability to speak my truth. Even my gifted naturopath told me about all the blocked energy in the my throat chakra, (umm how the hell did she pick up on that I wonder?). Now I know where this tendency to default to silence comes from, and quite frankly I can happily say that doesn't matter anymore. Why I am like this is not of any value now, what the hell you are going to do about it and how you are going to find the courage to change it is where I must look to.  In many things I intuitively knew how I felt and kept silent. Out of fear of rejection mainly. But having lived through all of the most horrifying things a person can live through (except incarceration) seriously what do I have to lose?  Start speaking your truth old crone.  Now on the heels of this is in all matters be sensitive and loving and kind. Compassion first. Sometimes to speak the truth is better left for naught, that dress does looks nice, what a cute dog, etc etc. But speak when it matters. Do not sit on a fence with a issue that demands you take a stand, or worse don't look to others and go the way all the sheep are heading when you know in your heart it's right to head the other way.

In my life the worst thing I kept silent on was my husband dying, both before and during- and the damage this has caused me, for now, this has been left in a fallow field in the back 40 acres in my life to tend to and examine at a later time. I know it waits for me, and I will write and speak my way through that when I am ready, all in due time. Build your courage first and it will come. I have spoken and written much about the after his dying but the lesson in that is it was too late Sussey, you missed the mark - learn from this. So I will.

It does not matter if you are disliked, rejected, hated, shunned. Speak- just speak. Let those you love and cherish know it. Do not ignore your children who's hidden messages in their sentences are speaking to your heart and you know it but are just too busy to go that extra step and address it. Do not stay silent when a coworker asks for your opinion and help because you think you have nothing to offer. Do not be afraid to assert your opinion on heady issues even if they are different than the group you are sitting among.  Be yourself.  Speak it. You will thank you, even if others don't.

Courage.