It's all in a name

Remember that song,"I'm not Lisa", by Jessi Colter ? Well maybe you don't, but it was a hit back in the mid 70's I think. It was a country song about a girl who lamented the fact that her lover could not stop talking about being in love with another women. So she wanted to assert her name. It went, "I'm not Lisa, my name is Julie". For a very different reason I used to sing along to that song but I changed the words. I would sing, "I'm not Susan my name is Rachel".  Why? Because for as long as I can remember I do not relate to my name. I never considered myself a Susan, still don't. It is the oddest thing and I wonder does anyone else feel majorly (is that a word?) dissociated from their moniker?  When I think about a person named Susan I first and foremost think, "oh that name it's so old fashioned poor soul who has that", and immediately I follow up oh yeah oh shit- I am named that aren't I ?

Susan is a stepford wife type, she is tallish, ivory skinned blonde with coiffed hair in bouffant style. In my head she looks exactly like this:








ugh!

How the hell am I supposed to embrace that as my own personal calling card for my personality and identity? Bad enough I struggle with identity issues as a identical twin but to also have to try and relate to a name that just isn't me..... arrgggh....! So beside the visual I have in my head of the person who goes with the name (I do often try to substitute Susan Sarandon whenever I can to soften the blow because hey she is everything and a looker but sorry Susan S. you are also not a "Susan" type, way way too beautiful for that) it's also the sound of the name- the detachment it immediately conjures up and the 54 years of cringing and ignoring it. Frankly all this has caused a major problem. I can't and will never relate to my name, I refuse to embrace it. It is not me. I can't figure out why at a deeper level and it may not matter,  it just is what it is. I wonder do others ever feel this? I have asked but I have not found anyone who feels this way yet. I wonder do I just change the damn name to Rachel, (a name I always loved and related to as a kid) or Siobhan/Erin/ or anything but Susan? Do I ask everyone I meet to make up a nickname for me?

Actually I have -or when I didn't out right ask for a nickname- I must have sent off that vibe because I have a few other names I go by. My best friend Cindy calls me snoozle or snooze. I love it and would much rather be called a name worthy of one of the seven dwarfs than S--an. Another old childhood friend calls me Swissey, love it too. Recently I have been called Red and I really love that. My twin sister calls me ? nothing-really? I guess we don't need names per say, our emails often are addressed "hey".  I had a friend who was french, she called me Suzanne, I loved that name as well (reminded me of Cohen's Suzanne). All my kids call me mom, thank god. I see a pattern here, I love every name except Susan. Both my parents call me Susan, I guess they have to they named me it after all. Once I asked who's idea it was, dad took the credit (blame). Sorry rents. I still feel like a lost little girl when they call me that name.  Most co-workers call me Susan and I swear when I overhear my name spoken at work, each and every time I wonder who they are referring to.  Really! I will overhear in the hall "umm I don't know where Susan is, down in the lab I think", and I wonder who is she? WEIRD!!!   A few close coworkers call me Sue as do all my old friends. It is a middle of the road compromise, when I admitted to those close to me how I didn't like to be called Susan and they and I settled on Sue. Then one day my husband who always just naturally called me Sue without me asking gave me the nickname Sussey. I thought he made it up, I loved it and instantly took to it. It wasn't until after he died I discover it meant "gift", I wonder if he knew that? I certainly was his gift, he told me that often enough.  That name is engraved on my body and it is good because I relate-it is me. I have contemplated changing my name to Sussey but it seems too personal - too me and Terry, I don't know, yet I love when others call me by that name. Wow when you stop to think about it it's complicated this name as an identity thing.

And sometimes it is very hard to have this conversation with new people. For years I skipped it altogether so when I introduced myself I said I'm Sue. They never knew I was Susan. Then that kinda switched maybe out of wanting to be more genuine or honest?? and now a whole new crew of people know me as Susan and that is hard to come back from and fix now. It's kinda like the dilemma of how many kids do I say I have, do I mention the one that died? Or leave it a five? Do I say hi I am Susan but I dissociate constantly from Susan and please call me -------------? Hell no! I'd be that-weird insane person people tell their friends about at cocktail parties as a "guess what this girl named omg- Susan- said the other day??? Haha  I probably already am, and I don't care.

Do I sing, " I'm not Susan, my name is Rachel/Sussey/Sue/Snooze/Swissey/Red/Suzanne"?

Have others felt this and solved it, what did you do, call me (anything but Susan) and tell me.