Contrast

When I was young I had a lot of faith, a lot. The Catholic church was the church I was brought up in. I used to go every Sunday, whether I wanted to or not. My parents of the old school belief that a Sunday mass missed on purpose was a mortal sin, and if you died with a mortal sin on your soul you went straight to hell, unless you said your act of contrition first. I often worried would I have time or remember the words when I was in the process and work of dying to say it right? Would my intention be enough? Silly I know but for a young impressionable mind like mine, well let's just say, it was a life and beyond death matter. The purpose of such dogma I will not get into - (we all know how rich the coffers of the church are and why they need the money now); and for fuck's sake that and the anger associated with it is the last place I need to go now dear writer.  I am more concerned about examination of my take on things I was to learn and later discard. The church taught me a lot I no longer believe, and I marvel at how much I believed without question yet no longer do. How does this contrast of beliefs get reckoned with? Through time? Life shitting on you enough? Science? Other influential teachings? Lack of evidence? Growing the fuck up?  Maybe all of this is true for me.

I no longer can say I have faith, not in the catholic church at least. I have faith in my friends, my dog, myself (half the time- see yesterdays post), and for the time being wine, but not in the church. I have gone from a young mom bringing my baby to daily mass to only attending funerals and weddings inside it's doors. I will say having no faith in an after life (because lets admit it that ultimately is what the church is selling) is shaky territory for me. Like standing in a kayak on the sea, it's precarious. I used to feel sorry for people who had no faith in an afterlife, who did not believe, now I am that person. But I really really goddamn it don't want to be some days. Days like today when I am full of sorrow and grief and longing. Days when I want my old life back with a vengeance. When I really want to believe in a god I can curse and cry to and yell at and then feel comforted by when I have ranted and raved through my fit.

Instead I walked in the woods and told a tree, I told my husband's grave and ashes in it how sorry I was that I didn't believe I would see him again even though I know he believed, "I just don't know honey I just know nothing now". I told a leaf how much I hated being here and how sad I was there was nowhere to go to for everlasting redemption and peace. I told the moss and the lady slippers how I wanted my husband back so my children could shower him with gifts and hugs and kisses on this father's day. My tears did not soothe me today, instead nature did, she took it.  I used to believe, now I don't.

"God is a concept
By which we measure
Our pain
I'll say it again
God is a concept
By which we measure
Our pain

I don't believe in magic
I don't believe in I-Ching
I don't believe in Bible
I don't believe in tarot
I don't believe in Hitler
I don't believe in Jesus
I don't believe in Kennedy
I don't believe in Buddha
I don't believe in mantra
I don't believe in Gita
I don't believe in yoga
I don't believe in kings
I don't believe in Elvis
I don't believe in Zimmerman
I don't believe in Beatles
I just believe in me"    John Lennon

I used to believe I knew things I no longer know.  This contrast of belief and disbelief, knowing and  not knowing- in my personality I show the world -to who I am at the core of my being- has rocked my foundation. It has me off my moorings and I am unsure of everything. I have lost trust in myself to believe anything. All is to be questioned. I am never to commit to anything that matters. They say do not make any major decisions within the first year of a major loss, ha! I am just seeing three years later why. I always was a little slow on the uptake. The older I get the less I know, even your steadfast childish faith is not with you now because all is fleeting, nothing forever. Remember that Sussey.

Maybe today all you can do about this contrast of self and life is to go to bed and see if there is a better day tomorrow.