Where did my wedding shoes go?
You can barely see them in the picture. white high heels, fake leather, open toe - bought special for my wedding. I saved the dress, the headpiece, the bouquet, but it occurred to me on my drive home from the cottage today that I did not only not have these shoes, but I don't even remember when, how or why I didn't save them. And I started to cry. Not about the shoes I am sure, it was just one of those triggers that start the cascade into the what I now call the grief guilt. A two and a half hour drive alone is a long time to think and cry it out, but I have not got to the bottom of it yet. So I write, because I know it is so much more than the shoes. Although I would dearly like to have saved these along with those trinkets I did save from that day (paper pink bells, wedding cake pillars, pictures and napkins with notes on it he wrote me) it's more about what is behind the jolt I felt when I re-remembered I didn't have them.
And that brings me to things I do remember and to the worry about others things I don't yet. In a 32 year marriage there is a lot to regret. Words spoken in anger, words not spoken and actions not taken that should have been. This is life, the human condition. Yes it can bring a pang of guilt here and there when it bubbles to the surface, but today this is not what's fully under there. That yet to be examined muck and mire of remorse. So I searched for the feeling behind the tears. I drifted off into thoughts about how life is such a fertile ground for learning if we take notice. I wondered about why I needed to become overly acquainted with death so early in life with my son, and in midlife with my husband. What meaning in this purposelessness I can find. Why I was blessed with such extremes of sadness and joy in my life. When I was young, like in this picture, I had so much to learn. I didn't even know yet what that was. I am just 20 in this picture and have the advantage of 34 years of hindsight looking at her in the shoes she gave away or lost. She didn't know that in 2017 while driving on a highway that would cause her one powerful cry when it came back to her. At the time she just either outgrew them or didn't think they would be missed. Oh yes, so much I didn't think would be missed!
Like the shoes, I have done so many things in my life in a mindless way- without intention- without thought of consequence- that has come back to bite me and force me to take notice. Sometimes I speak without thought, I do things that hurt other people, I have bad habits that have consequences and get called out on it, I wear my heart on my sleeve too much, I step in shit without looking only to realize later I fucking stink. Yes, life. When I was married and I made mistakes I could bounce this off Terry, I could get advice, get challenged, or often just listened to with a hug. The shame receded and the hurt got mended. I can't cry and be held and apologize for losing those shoes, say I am sorry for thinking they were meaningless. I can't tell him all the ways since his death that I have changed for the worse, from the women he loved, the awful mistakes I have made, the way I lost myself. I try, I admit it, say the bad out loud to him and wonder with all my powers of imagination what he would say back. And up to now I can't for the life of me hear anything except "oh Sue".
Now it's mine, mine to feel alone. And I do, but I also have choices. I can keep doing it, I can ignore it, I can change, I can learn from it, I can be mindful and feel it. I can't get those shoes back, but I can cry over their loss and examine why the loss is so powerful now and move forward.
I think maybe when we grow up we have many many moments like this. We can ignore them (as I did for years when I was super busy with kids and school) or we can take notice. Life has been trying to teach me to be present in the moment. To take notice now, to stop looking back or too far forward. Yet, I get super pissed at people who tell me not to look back this is where the life I am not yet ready in many ways to give up was. Why not spend time daydreaming of a distant future where this grief may be healed? I missed and still do a lot of life because I didn't/don't live in the moment. This causes even more regret. I suppose the good news is I am not on my death bed yet. Today is today, now is right now. I feel the sun on my legs the warm wrap over my shoulders the computer keys under my fingers, the music and wind in my ears. I can practice mindfulness in each and every moment, in each and every mistake, in each and every good and bad thing I do and learn from it.
It just came to me "Oh Sue you looked beautiful in your shoes honey, I remember you taking them off on our wedding night and how tired and sore your feet were".
And that brings me to things I do remember and to the worry about others things I don't yet. In a 32 year marriage there is a lot to regret. Words spoken in anger, words not spoken and actions not taken that should have been. This is life, the human condition. Yes it can bring a pang of guilt here and there when it bubbles to the surface, but today this is not what's fully under there. That yet to be examined muck and mire of remorse. So I searched for the feeling behind the tears. I drifted off into thoughts about how life is such a fertile ground for learning if we take notice. I wondered about why I needed to become overly acquainted with death so early in life with my son, and in midlife with my husband. What meaning in this purposelessness I can find. Why I was blessed with such extremes of sadness and joy in my life. When I was young, like in this picture, I had so much to learn. I didn't even know yet what that was. I am just 20 in this picture and have the advantage of 34 years of hindsight looking at her in the shoes she gave away or lost. She didn't know that in 2017 while driving on a highway that would cause her one powerful cry when it came back to her. At the time she just either outgrew them or didn't think they would be missed. Oh yes, so much I didn't think would be missed!
Like the shoes, I have done so many things in my life in a mindless way- without intention- without thought of consequence- that has come back to bite me and force me to take notice. Sometimes I speak without thought, I do things that hurt other people, I have bad habits that have consequences and get called out on it, I wear my heart on my sleeve too much, I step in shit without looking only to realize later I fucking stink. Yes, life. When I was married and I made mistakes I could bounce this off Terry, I could get advice, get challenged, or often just listened to with a hug. The shame receded and the hurt got mended. I can't cry and be held and apologize for losing those shoes, say I am sorry for thinking they were meaningless. I can't tell him all the ways since his death that I have changed for the worse, from the women he loved, the awful mistakes I have made, the way I lost myself. I try, I admit it, say the bad out loud to him and wonder with all my powers of imagination what he would say back. And up to now I can't for the life of me hear anything except "oh Sue".
Now it's mine, mine to feel alone. And I do, but I also have choices. I can keep doing it, I can ignore it, I can change, I can learn from it, I can be mindful and feel it. I can't get those shoes back, but I can cry over their loss and examine why the loss is so powerful now and move forward.
I think maybe when we grow up we have many many moments like this. We can ignore them (as I did for years when I was super busy with kids and school) or we can take notice. Life has been trying to teach me to be present in the moment. To take notice now, to stop looking back or too far forward. Yet, I get super pissed at people who tell me not to look back this is where the life I am not yet ready in many ways to give up was. Why not spend time daydreaming of a distant future where this grief may be healed? I missed and still do a lot of life because I didn't/don't live in the moment. This causes even more regret. I suppose the good news is I am not on my death bed yet. Today is today, now is right now. I feel the sun on my legs the warm wrap over my shoulders the computer keys under my fingers, the music and wind in my ears. I can practice mindfulness in each and every moment, in each and every mistake, in each and every good and bad thing I do and learn from it.
It just came to me "Oh Sue you looked beautiful in your shoes honey, I remember you taking them off on our wedding night and how tired and sore your feet were".
Those pangs of emptiness that show up, today in the guise of shoes, have a terrible track record of fueling the darkness...remembering the good that went with the shoes helps. Remembering that you have other shoes helps as well. Hugs
ReplyDeleteYes, thank you Daniel. True it is all part of the process
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