All souls day

All souls day. The souls I witnessed passing, the ones who are gone to I know not where, it causes me pause for thought today.

Today is a bittersweet day. One where I remember the wonderful birth of my first born son Justin Timothy Charlton, oh the sweet memories I have. I still remember what he looked like when I first laid eyes on him, I still recall the details of the difficult and long birth if I think hard about it, the way the doctor looked, the way I felt about what I had accomplished. It is also a day where I feel bitter regret that I did not get to see him grow up to be the 34 year old man who should be celebrating his birthday. Justin died of SIDS at the age of five and a half weeks. I wonder sometimes who he would have been, how he would have matured, what job, what life circumstances he would have lived and created. Would I have a daughter in law and grandchildren from him, would he of remained single, been gay with a wonderful partner I could love also? All these unknowns surface on this his birthday, all the unrealized dreams for him that I grieved as well as the loss of him in the physical sense.

Thirty four years is a long long time. I am not the new mother I was then, the young girl really who fell in love so so deeply and totally with this tiny human they put in my arms. I have raised and let go of five other children since this day 34 years ago. I was shaped and changed by these humans I was allowed to mother for awhile, who were trusted to me in their life journey for a short time. A trust I never took lightly but because I am human I faltered in at times. I wasn't perfect but my love for him and for my surviving children (who are all here because of Justin I believe) was perfect. Of that I am certain. My love for them was perfect.

I, having lived like I have, with lots of death and adverse events in my life, often wonder what else is coming that will shape and teach me. I only hope death gives me a wide berth and a vacation for the next number of decades, I've had my share for now. Today I will think on birth, on your birth my dear Justin. The wonder you imparted in the short life you had here with me was beyond comparison. You taught me I could love more than one person, that I could create perfection. I had never felt love like I did when I first saw you and held you, what a gift that was you gave me. You have taught me self forgiveness as I struggled to live the years past your death. You accomplished a lot in five and a half weeks.

Now, your perfection knows no earthly bounds, you are in the universe in that perfection somewhere- a part of me- out there. A part of my own little soul created 34 years ago whom I can pray to or talk to or think about on this all souls day. Happy birthday my sweet Justin.