I miss you more than 1730 days worth

Terry; everything old is new again. You are woven into my life story so tightly. Like your wedding band wrapped around mine in this new rendering of our rings, you are forever there. It doesn't matter that I have not seen you in 1730 days, you're ever present. I won't forget you despite my worse fears that I would. I talk more to you now than I ever did because it's less painful now and doesn't make me cry. It brings me comfort instead of more grief.

Despite my fears and anxiety (you know my feelings of Christmas) I celebrated a wonderful Christmas this year. The best since you died. Not better, just the best since you died. All our children save Jeremy, their loved ones and our grand babies surrounded me. Still you were greatly missed, and present in lots of special ways.
Ways like; pieces of bows from the tree that sits over your grave fashioned by your baby daughter and placed lovingly on our place settings at the table.
Melanie saying "I wish I'd known him" and gifting us her hand made beaded crow feathers. I can imagine your look of wonder, your reverence your awe at this.
Mike talking jokingly in your voice saying what you would have said about the situation.
My house hunting where I hear your voice as you say, no Sue this isn't the right one for you, no Sue don't even think about it you can't do that work. Jesus I wish you were here to do it!
A list of memories Pam had of you that she shared in an email to me.
All pieces of you still here.

Oh you'd be sad too, about a lot. Stuff you know that is happening with us and even stuff I don't know yet that isn't going right. You'd be sad, you would not say much but you would not have to, you would sit quiet with your sad eyes. I grieve for that too. But I can't dwell there now, I can and must focus on new hope. New Years used to always bring new hope to me, I have not felt new hope in awhile but for some unexplained reason I do this year. I want to quietly spend new years eve alone this year. I want to sort some stuff out about myself and this journey, and although I know that unfolds over much time (1730 days worth thus far) I feel also that some big changes are coming soon within myself that I need to talk to you about, quietly, by the Christmas tree. It's weird seeking counsel from a ghost but hey it's better than from a bottle of wine right?

Terry I miss you way more than 1730 days worth. It's okay to feel that  to say that  to be here in this part of the journey. I need you more than I ever did. I need you to pray for me, like Mary told her kids to pray for George in  It's a wonderful life when he had gone all off the rails on them Christmas eve. I need you my angel ghost to pray for a women who doesn't believe in prayer or in anything anymore, at least in nothing beyond you in spirit. Pray for her new hope, pray for this leg of the journey, for our kids, and for the next 1730 days.