Year End Inventory

At the end of a year again and my parents voices saying "where does the time go" reverberate in my mind. They are right- where does it go? 2018 zipped by in a flash, like waves rolling into the shore at me as I tried to run away from them. However, although 2018 was in some ways a "stagnant" year it was also year of growth and change for me, with some space left over to grow and change even more.  So I already know 2019 will involve more inner work on my part. And I look forward to it.

In spite of my original plans of spending new years eve alone at home it seems an invite has come my way and I will be spending the evening with my youngest son and his girl making a wonderful meal for us. I will sit by the Christmas tree and we will talk of meaningful things. No party like last year, no outing or dance, just intimate conversation and good food with wonderful people. As well, with what is left of the year I'll spend reviewing all I learned, all that went right and all I'm grateful for, (not the opposite that tends to be my natural go to). Only as a caveat will I say that not everything went right this year, there was bad and sad and disappointment and steps backwards personally and in my family. But I won't focus there, I won't look there (only to learn from and move on) instead it's forward I look. I am taking all the good I experienced this year and trying to build on that. So as I inventory my year I'll focus on the good growth.

Well the first noteworthy change that comes to mind in my personal growth this year is that I experienced lack of loneliness. That Babadook lifted and left me alone- happily. This happened toward the end of this year, quickly -almost overnight- and it felt so good, what a relief!  I asked myself WOW MY GOD YES!!!!! how did this happen???  I wanted to analyze so I could keep it for when or if the loneliness creeps back in. To not feel that heavy laden burden of unhappiness in being alone, to actually want to be alone and enjoy it, to not look outward for someone to fill up the empty space was bar none #1 on my gratitude list. I suspect it happened by realizing the alternative (sad, painful and notwhatIneedandwant relationships suck the life out of you big time).  Who needs that? It has taken a full two years to end up enjoying my own company, I don't want that to go away.

Family connections, I feel closer to my children, parents, and sister this year. Grief is a very very isolating experience- others don't always get that, hell I didn't even get it. Yet, I needed to cocoon myself from the hurt I was already feeling so intensely, and those we love the most can hurt us the most. My vulnerability from the loss of Terry kept me so fearful of the possibility or hint of more hurt and would not allow me to risk letting those I loved fully in. I am so grateful they waited on me. There they are. Waiting.

I've started to focus on my health. Not being able to walk properly makes you takes notice, (boy does that old adage "you never miss something until it's gone" ring true here). This last year had me thinking I actually feel that I am worth taking care of (and maybe even more importantly the knowledge that no one else but me is going to do it). This - for many reasons - is new and strange territory and it feels precarious, but I'll take that. I also feel my creativity come back to me this year. The pen and camera are waiting and I crave that familiarity of them in my hand- my reach is grasping for them.

One of the most unexpected areas of personal growth I am grateful for this year is that I feel a hint of spirituality returning. I no longer need to deny, I feel myself opening up again. As a child I was a magical thinker, as I grew up, a feeling of faith in my heart was how I defined "home".  For at least 4 years now it felt justifiable to deny a higher power or "that something" outside of myself. What blinding howling anger I had at all that belief I'd invested for what I felt was naught. But like many things in my life just tell me I can't have it or that it's not possible and I will mull that over, temporarily take that on, chew on it and then spit it out if it isn't me. Denial is not me, I believe. I am a creature of faith and don't tell me you can't have faith Sussey - yes you can. I allow openness to new possibilities and experiences from the "otherside" now, because hey it's way more hopeful- it's not about if it's wrong or right, it's not about needing or investing something, it is just more hopeful, less painful.

I was able to travel this year, I saw Niagara falls, I opened myself up to new experiences like opera, the symphony and more theater, I conquered my fear of flying. This was a fabulous bonus as that plague has been hounding me since 1986. I want to travel again, this feels good and coming into some money this year (another point of gratitude) allows me to plan the trip to Iceland I have been dreaming of for years. With retirement a mere 13 months away possibilities open up that I look forward to dreaming of. A new home on the horizon, new creative endeavors, they are dreams I had in 2018 and will see to fruition in 2019.  As well, I am forever grateful to not experience the poverty I once did. Just having that as a non-issue is so foreign and wonderful in my life. Because of that I often forget to be grateful- but I am.

So I have much to be grateful for, all that was good this year I am taking into this new year. Where my focus will be as I move into 2019, the magical 5 year mark as a widow, is anyone's guess.

On top of all that here is a list of other important wonderful things I am grateful for this year:
A new grandchild is on the way
My son got engaged
My daughter got engaged
I kept and made good friends
Pax was there
My cottage by the sea is renovated
And all the many wonderful pieces of life in 2018 I've forgotten.

Happy New Year