Hey twinnie

It is a blessing and a curse to be a twin. When I was young my mom dressed me and my twin Pam alike and lately I got to wondering if this was an identity crisis in the making. Of course I thought I had an identity back then, I was me I didn't know different I didn't question anything. It's only looking back knowing what I know now that this thought has started to seep in. Think about it. I was squished into a small space forming who I am for 9 months literally physically entangled with her doing the same. I then slept in the same bedroom with her until I was about 13. Talked a strange language with her as a toddler, went to the same classroom until grade 5, the same schools even into post secondary education, and I looked exactly like her so much so that I can't tell who I am in childhood pictures. From grade school I was called twinnie, I was constantly asked,"which one are you"? I answered to both. Although I viciously fought with her a lot growing up, I usually was crushed if we weren't on best terms, and still feel that way. I shared my best friends with her, even shared the same dreams with her some nights. And yes we had some major differences as we grew up- she had no children of her own, I had five, I married at 18, she in her 40's, she's going grey, I refuse to (tee hee) regardless, yes identity issue for sure. How could you not have?

So you know how they say that you go through a midlife crisis and look back over your life and regrets and unfulfilled dreams yadda yadda bullshit etc. Well I didn't do that in midlife mainly because I have been doing that all my life. But I have recently been thinking about who I am and who I want to be. Not brought about by being middle aged but by have a whole new life forced on me. So as I contemplate who I am of course what comes up is  I am Pam's twin.  But I am not Pam I am Susan (albeit and notwithstanding the difficulty I have connecting with the name- another story for another time) but yes I am Susan. Or hey maybe Sussey for now. So really case in point is who the fuck am I anyway and what do I like, want, dream of? Well I like a lot of the same stuff as my twin (see there I go again). I love music, nature, the ocean, reading - and so does she. I love photography but I am not connected to that creative side of me right now. I wonder if I lost it, I even wonder if it has to do with Pam's own love of photography and how into it she is and I just can't or don't want to compete anymore (we never were very competitive-NOT!!!). And here comes the identity crisis creeping in. Do I so want my own identity I will give up my love of photography because she does the same hobby? Can I do it myself and not be tied to her doing it? I don't know the answers. I am seeking them and will let you know when I do.

It is very hard to convey to a singleton the tie that bonds twins - this creepy twin thing, like a old married couple who finish each others sentences and anticipate what the other is thinking and feeling. Pam's husband says her and I share a brain (no we are not co-joined) but he has a point and damn it I want my own thoughts and personality (whatever the hell they are) back- or at least found- thank you very much. Not that I would ever not have that twin of mine constantly in my consciousness. Even when not physically there, she is always right beside me (kinda on the right side of me) invisible  but present, us commenting back and forth in thought - in everything I do. If she wasn't in the world this would not stop. I know that now from experience.

She makes up a big part of me, I am grateful for my twin Pam but Sussey needs to go for awhile and see how different and unique her thoughts, actions, decisions, and life can be. It's not a crisis, lets just call it an identity fact finding mission. The funny thing is I know she will totally understand and get this. In fact, I am already thinking about what she will say about it to me. However, dear twinnie hold off this time, let Sussey find her way first then we will talk.