So..... it's fucking true after all

Crazy but true. When you come to a realization that seemed so obvious in the first place. I am not a dumb person, I have a few degrees to prove I got some smarts on the intellect scale. The kind that gets you good jobs that sustain you in a level of comfort that many might envy. I get that, I got that.  But in other areas I have been a little slow on the uptake. Relationships for one. Now that I find myself back into them. Don't get me wrong, I learned plenty in my 34 year relationship with Terry. You don't go down the roads we did and not fucking find yourself and some hard ass lessons to boot. You just don't. But as I have said before in earlier blogs. Sussey you are not in Kansas anymore. I am learning a whole new set of lessons here.

You know what is really quite funny about learning? How some things can't be taught by others, how we have to come to it on our own. By that I mean, no matter how much I natter away at a student and try to take different approaches to a problem or concept I am trying to teach them, some just can't see it. The insight it missing. It is as plain as day for me, I will say that again. It is plain as day for me. And the pupil is absolutely in the dark. They just don't get what we see right in front of them. And that is okay. When the pupil is ready they will learn. The right teacher will come along or perhaps even an old teacher they know will turn that light on for them and they will see.

It happened the other night with me. My dear sweet friend pointed out something I had not seen. It was a very simple thing, it was so obvious when she noted it- all I could think was well fuck look at that in plain sight- can't deny that now can we? Yet previous to this moment in time I had not seen it at all. But I do now. And this wasn't what she pointed out but it got me to this---- happiness is a choice. Do you know what an absolute tear jerking- gut dropping- fall to the floor- relief that is to know and learn and embrace? It's not you, or you, or it, or that, or this or none of that or too much of this--rather it's what I say it is, happiness is what I define it is. It is what I choose it to be. These might just look like silly words to you right now. I know in the past this did to me. Before I really got it!!! No seriously not to beat a dead horse but listen I'll say it again---  before I really got it. Hah ha I just want to run up to a roof top and shout it because it's like a huge secret I was let in on that I want to share (because I am a generous person that way and want you too to feel this kind of joy) but I won't, because I also know you'll just look at the nut and say what the fuck is she talking about? Maybe she is manic and we should call someone? The recipients within earshot of my crazy revelation would not hear what I am saying. Because this is the kind of knowing you have to come to quietly on your own. But I do so want to share it.

If you can live in each moment and choose to let that moment be one of happiness and joy, then you are choosing happiness- no matter what is in that moment. It could be shitty weather on a photo shoot, it could be walking to work tired when you want to stay home in your jammies, it could be fully immersing yourself into something you know is one day not going to be there, but doing it anyway. Living totally for that time and place and experience and choosing to happy about it despite it's transience.  As the song I love goes "did someone tell you that life was not all lies? All your friends, and your family, your gunna lose eventually". So act like it, seriously......  act like it.
 

Choosing to be happy, to me this means you are not waiting for it to come from some other source-- a bottle, another human being, a deity, a job, wealth, a ghost to return. Instead you are the captain of our own destiny, soul master of your own fate. There is no one directing me to do something, there is no one waiting for me to do or not do, there is no one to watch as I fuck up. There is no one. There is me and what I want. And I want to be happy. So I am putting on my party hat and my silly grin just like my Paxie and I am going to do just that.

I choose happiness.