Valentine's day
After he died the first valentines day was brutal. That in your face red hearts and lovers all over social media slapped me hard. That day had meaning again and was painful and unwelcome. I turned my social media off that year and the next two. I felt cynicism and bitterness every time I glanced in a store window. I walled my heart off further. It emphasized my singlehood my lonesomeness my "one" ness, my grief. It's not easy for widows or widowers, for those alone, those trying to find a love or companion, for those who are unhappily coupled.
It was of course a special day when we were young and in love. I remember the red lingerie, the dinners out, the cards and kisses and special highlighting of love and all things related. I felt included in a day that emphasized love. As we matured and our love grew deeper and more wise we understood as a couple the need to celebrate a day of love was yes there but not essential to publicly display anymore. We lived it the other 364 days and didn't need an over priced supper and night out in a snow storm to prove it to the world. There was always a card and an acknowledgement that we were still each other's valentine but the hoopla went by the wayside.
My attitude toward this day has changed a bit more this year as I find myself in the 4th year without my valentine. I see it as a day to reach out and say I love you to those I love - and there are many- and I can do that. Happy valentines day Jeremy, Sam, Candice, Mary, Michael, Matt, Andrew, Terra, Melanie, Jeff, Molly, Rupert, Cindy, Pam, Patrick, Carolyn, Tom, Greg, Matthew, Steven, Mom, Dad, Pax, Cindy, Karen, Kelly, Cheryl, Paige, Kevin.... all you future loves... all those I have forgotten that I still love. I acknowledge you all today publicly and feel that love I have for you everyday of the year as well.
But let's also see Valentines day for what it is. This picture says what it is. This card was hanging on my apartment door when I came home from a great meal of love with my friends. From afar it looked like the real thing and I thought someone had put it there for me. It looked like the ones we used to find in school in a brown paper bag on our desks and you hoped to find one from your secret crush - remember that? Back when the popular people got way more than those who weren't- when the rules were different and everyone didn't have to give everyone in the class a valentine. I saw this and thought wow did I get a valentine? Then I saw it. I laughed out loud. Yup this is what valentines day is all about. It's a business, the business of love. Fuck off - my love isn't for sale.
So, I will not ignore social media today. Instead I will send out a warm thought when I see couples publicly declare love for each other, even if I don't have that love right now I will let myself feel yours. I will acknowledge that today I have romance in my life. I have those I love in my life. I have hope for my future. I have beauteous memories of past valentines days. Time has dulled the slap from all the red hearts assaulting me. Today it's better and that is something.
Much love to you today and all the other days!
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