Anniversaries and Easter

Four yeas ago you were slipping into unconsciousness. We were losing you. Gathering around you and saying our good byes. I hate remembering this so I am grateful that this year grief has given me a wide berth and the memories are fuzzier and muted instead of fresh and traumatic. This is a relief because I really don't want to remember your dying anymore. What good purpose does it serve? I did the best I could, I was there- you knew how I felt and I think I knew somewhat how you felt. We were ravaged, our fairy tale coming to a sad end. What else is there to say?  What else is there to feel?  I want to remember you alive, smiling at me, hugging me, loving me. The grief has pushed those good memories aside for too long now.

It sucks that all I have are memories but again what else can I do about that? Throw myself on the funeral pyre? How bitter those words I used to hear "life goes on, it's here for the living"- now I realize it does. In the past I didn't want to live, now I do. That is how it changes I guess. That is how grief evolves.

In these past four years I have grown and learned so much. Do I wish it hadn't of happened of course, I'd go back to my old life in a second with you if given the chance. But I am here. I can't go back there is no magic or wishful thinking that will change the fact that I am a widow. A widow with four years experience in this horrid club. So in this post I am going to list the pros and cons of this new life and see how they change over time- if at all.

What sucks about about being a widow:

empty dinner table on a Wednesday night
seeing couples hold hands
seeing couples do anything together if I'm honest
online dating
going to weddings
being the 5th wheel with your couple friends
no one to carry your groceries into the house
no house
car rides to camp alone
camping alone
no gifts  or surprises
no sex
no one to watch the movie with
no one to bounce important decisions off of
(okay lets face it this list could go on forever and it's depressing me)

Things that are okay (yes just okay, not good, not wonderful not fantastic- okay)  as a widow:

finding more independence
learning new life lessons
not needing to consider another person when you decide something
a greater sense of empathy and kindness for those alone and single and widowed
something to write about
other's kindness and compassion for me
a widow's pension (that sounds awful doesn't it?) 
finding new friends and learning from them 

Terry I miss you way more now but I feel it less, does that make sense? If you are in an afterlife, send me some faith. I could use it this Easter.
I love you