Everything we want is on the other side of fear

I read this online the other day. Everything we want is on the other side of fear. It really caught my attention as things do when you need to examine them. With me as I look back and forward I have to admit in some situations this is true for me. However what if we don't recognize that fear is stopping us? Who tells us? Do we have to wait to find this out ourselves or do we have someone who is brave enough to help us out here? Do you? Would I accept their help or their insight before I was ready to anyway? No I would not and that is honest, having been the type of person my entire life who has to find her own way and usually late in the game at that. I wouldn't see the forest for the trees until I am ready to see the forest, until I have examined every last tree. That is just me.

When Terry died I knew something was very very wrong and I was so fucking afraid I could not look at it. I could not investigate. Things have to hit me smack in the face before I notice. I have been thinking about why that is and I conclude many times it was fear. What is it I am afraid of? Well answers that floats to the top of that spoken question include; dying, separation from ones I love, heartache, pain, loss, loneliness, abandonment. But I think I need to go a little deeper here. I have experienced all of these and way worse (well not entirely dying of myself, but for sure pieces of my heart and life have died with my son and my husband). I have experienced all of these fears, I have survived through to the other side many times.

Maybe the question to ask here is what is everything you want?

This rings truer for me. What is it I want? I think I know- but I admit it -I am stubborn in taking a look at what it is I want. And this answer rises to the top. I want to live, to choose life. Recently I have been experiencing pain in my body, it's rebelling and telling me to stop and listen. My posture is stooped and folded in upon itself. I have spent way too much time inside my life watching it get smaller and smaller. Not willing yet to to step out into new experiences, not willing yet to use my voice. Not willing yet to take risks, not willing yet to do something different than my same bad comforting habits. These keep me safe from feeling, or more honestly - from living. I feel plenty.

So what do you want Sussey? I am learning this. I am finding my way to it. What is holding you back from going for it? I am not sure yet, but I no longer believe it is fear.

Keep journeying brave women.