Sometimes a girl just got to buy her own flowers

When you want something, you don't have to wait for others to give it to you, in fact it's more healthy some would say to go obtain it yourself. I was in Costco the other day and spied these beautiful flowers. Well let's go back a few days before this. I had recently been at a friend's house who's husband had bought her roses and I remarked on how beautiful they were. How lucky she was to have these bought for her. I remembered immediately all the times my wonderful Terry had brought home flowers for me unexpectedly and how much it made me feel extra loved by him. How it did mean a lot. How I don't have that now, how I come home to pax's beautiful face and wagging tail wanting a walk and loving me so much that I am home. But dogs can't buy you flowers and express how much they love you in different ways. It's a smile a jump up a wagging tail and a greeting at the door and that is the extent of their expressions. I do not have Terry in my life to buy me flowers anymore. I do not have Terry in my life to buy me flowers ever again.

So what's a girl to Do? Well buy your own damn flowers of course, it's so simple isn't it? For you maybe, not for me. Like many things on this journey of oneness I am learning all sorts of good things. Like it's taken 1450 days to buy my own flowers just for me. Like it's taken 1450 days to get comfortable with being alone. Oh don't get me wrong I don't necessarily like it, I am just way more comfortable with it now. It doesn't make me want to cry or go to bed or mourn deeper or jump into the ocean and drown or take off out the door to somewhere else. In fact sometimes I even forget I'm (is I'm capitalized? if so why? and why is I always capitalized? are we such ego maniacs we can't say i? we never capitalized we and we are two people- two or more  why isn't that more important than I ? i have always wondered this- I understand it at the start of a sentence and i kinda see if it was a new word in today's self centered ego-centric me society- but this I language is very very old - okay grammar police enlighten me what gives? and why isn't me capitalized'? is me not a proper name/noun/pronoun but I is?) alone it's become such way of life now. The silence and space around me doesn't scream anymore, it's filled now with- i don't know the exact word here except comfortableness. I don't know how that happened i did not do anything to make it happen, time just changed it. I also am not dragged back to those terrible memories of 4 years ago this week when he was so sick and dying. Instead this year the early part of spring has not come round to torture me. I played no part in that either. I can sing this new great song by my favorite band with a sense of lightness and fun rather than dear god just kill me angst.

 "And when nobody did respond
I took my glasses off and went to find a pond
Stuffing rocks into the pockets of my pants
And when I waded in
Those currents carried them away

I wanna love somebody but I don't know how
I've been so long lonely and it's getting me down
I wanna throw my body in the river and drown
I wanna love somebody but I don't know how

So if you're lost along the way
And if you're thinking that will always be the case
Won't you listen to my plea?
You'll make a sucker's prayer
Just go and leave it that-a-way"

Do you think that buying myself flowers and this feeling of comfortableness and lack of bad grief memories on the anniversary of his dying days are related? I don't know except to say i could not have bought myself flowers in March these last three years. And i could not have enjoyed them as much as i have. And i could not have felt comfortable being alone here in my apartment, and i could not have gone to bed tired and happy instead of lonely and crying, and i could not have looked forward to coming home to this apartment alone, and i could not have sung this song with a grin on my face and i could not have planned and enjoyed a trip to the grocery store to buy food I know i need and will eat.  However, this past few weeks I have. Baby steps tiny baby steps and they add up to life. You know that thing that happens when you are busy making other plans.