Autenticity

When we do something new or foreign it is scary, this is at least always my first default feeling. Unknown territory holds so much unknown everything doesn't it? I hesitant, then jump, free in that fall-into-obscurity for the time being. Perfectly innocent to ramifications and repercussions, authentic in spirit. It's a grand feeling this brave new world you risk for. Be it learning how to drive a standard, the fun to get the pedals performing in sync, the terror of the roll backward into traffic, the embarrassment of the stall when you pop the clutch, the glee when you push her into fifth on the open road. Or the adventure to a foreign country to meet new people riding the jet engines into takeoff on that most precarious first 10,000 feet into the clouds, bumpy, slightly vertical, that sinking feeling as the engine adjusts and you wonder if free fall is next. Uncharted pure and hopeful anticipation of the new experience.

Lately, I have been pondering authenticity. In my words, in my actions, in my journey forward. It's not as scary anymore to step into newness when you have authentic motives (can you even have authentic motives?, isn't authenticity just that -authentic. No motives?) no bullshit, no underlying hidden agendas, no good or bad intentions- just authentic you. True to self you. In my past I covered up a lot, I questioned myself and others in everything I did or said or thought, looking for meaning and purpose. When you don't know yourself well you don't know how to be, you fake your way through, but when you are self aware you know how to be and better yet, you want to be authentic in all new things you venture out into. At least this is what I believe. However, saying that I have also come to know that just because I believe something doesn't make it true. Let's just say it's as true as I can be today, my authentic self does not fake it's way through, it does not lie or live in false pretenses.

So what about venturing again in the dating world in this authentic way? What about encounters with those who are not? And the lesson to learn from this? Because hey I am always looking for a lesson. In this new dating life, before I took a much needed break, I encountered men who told me they loved me three days into a dating scenario. Does this mean they were lying when they broke up with me a few days later because I was "too different"? I met men who said they wanted a second date and never called again or ignored mine, I met men who said the sweetest things only to then say the nastiest hurtful things that would curl my hair without the rollers.  I have known men who lied their way right to the latest possible second where they couldn't anymore-their sham revealed- and then they asked for me to listen to their explanation! Ummmmmwtf  ???

Authenticity. Where is it and why is it so hard to find? In this new world where we we can hide behind screens and words, in a world of fake news and "inauthentic accounts" there is a whole generation who do not know the meaning of true face to face honesty. I have been there, I get it, it's hard to be totally honest especially if it is going to maybe hurt someone's feelings. I guess I am at a point in my life where I realize that inauthentic words and actions are hurtful in and of themselves, and only to yourself.  I was talking to a dear friend last night about being who we are and where we are at in our lives in a face to face conversation. Fuck it was so freeing to discuss this under no pretense, no hidden agendas. This is what I have come to know in my years of knocks and life samskaras, and it has made me stronger, not weaker -be authentic first, let that always be my first intention.

As I head back into this journey of dating and as I meet new people I will not put my heart back under my sleeve, I will say how I feel even if it means rejection, I will surround myself with authentic souls to learn from them. Is it scary? Sure it is, I will meet more inauthentic men but I know I will recognize them sooner, I will grow even stronger with each encounter. Luckily, I will remain friends with those who are authentic. And yes I await this journey-as my authentic self.