I'm moving through the dark of a long black night

It's in a song I love, it's what I am currently doing in this grief I deal with, albeit more sporadically now. Sometimes, like today the dark covers the light and I must move through. I have come to realize in this walk that it's no longer "oh I wish I had Terry back". He is gone forever and I have to (accept that?) nope, actually I am currently dealing with being resigned to it. I never asked for it and do not want it so I won't accept it, although they say that is a stage of grief you get to. I don't really believe I am ever going to get there. But I am resigned to it I guess, for now. I must live out the rest of my life without him.

So what to do about that? Well I have tried a number of things on the way to resignation. Many I have wrote about and won't get into them here again. Today I have a new realization. That it is no longer about oh I will feel better when I have someone because I am lonely and it's time, no, instead it's okay you don't have someone, we all only have ourselves, so deal. That is new. So embrace/accept/resign yourself to being a single person. Put a new set of glasses on, change your perspective, look through a new lens, see it differently. You are a singleton now. You can do what you want when you want how you want with no one to answer for. Sounds lovely doesn't it? Lets stop looking and wishing and hoping and missing.

It's not bad. I can do it. Just stop wanting. This is what happens when I do this. Terry comes back. The life we shared, his memories, how it was then, how it is now, and the grief surfaces again. I see how much I really do miss him and how this three years and a bit without him has profoundly changed me. Some good (minimally I think), most for the worse. Does this mean a drive for something other than accepting the life I am living is just another way of denying my grief for him? Fuck knows. I just know when I surrendered to stopping searching for something someone someplace else, there he was, there it was. And it was a tearful shitty shitty morning. Makes one think you can't win for losing.

So grief come on in, I welcome you with open arms, I give in, uncle. I can move through this dark of a long black night or I can try to change what can't be changed. I can't change it anymore I will just break. I am a single 55 year old women who lived the first 52 years of her life with others. I am not that person anymore, now there are no others living with me. Resign, sign the paper, just stop.

I can not figure out if this is good and if this is growth or not. Moving is good, resignation ?? ummm I guess that depends, I guess i will find out. Regardless it is what it is.

"Once I had a dream I was falling from the sky
Coming down like running water
Passing by myself alight
In the morning, I would wake to the sound of summer falls
Like little whispers through the signs

I'm moving through the dark
Of a long black night
And I'm looking at the moon
And the light it shines
But I'm thinking of a place
And it feels so very real
Oh, it was so full of love!"