I killed a crow today

I killed a crow today. It was shocking. The little creature- a youngin- that was on the road, almost at the yellow line, standing there. I wasn't speeding, but didn't slow because I know how smart they are and how they always leave at the last second. This one did fly up at the last second but to my dismay and horror it flew into my windshield, directly into my side of the windshield. Right in front of my face. Black feathers flying, body thumping, in my face - the startling death of a crow. Of course this upset me terribly. I had to pull over. It reminded me of the time my sister hit a dog and came bawling her eyes out to us and was shaken. I was so sad. I had to tell someone, someone I care for, I had to confess.

For anyone who knows me well knows the crow has significance in my life. It was Terry's special connection with nature. He fed crows at our house, he loved them and read books about them and talked about them and to them. One time he found a dead crow, he had it in our garden and he took a picture of it staged and surrounded by greenery. I never understood this and found it bizarre and even silly. I think I asked why but do not remember his answer, maybe he needed this ritualization of the dead crow for some reason. Nevertheless, because they are connected with my dead husband and because it smacked me square in the face, my mind went to the significance of this. At first I grappled with is this a sign or a coincidence? Is this a sign or premonition of something terrible to come - one crow sorrow and all that. Being a person who has had significant come true premonitions (maybe a later post, maybe not) of course I'd go there. Then I thought deeper into the meaning of this. Perhaps it is an end to grieving in this phase and a moving on to new hopeful events in my life now? Perhaps it was a fucking coincidence nothing else, just a crow in the road that couldn't fly quick enough out of the way of my car.   But...ahh somehow no that didn't quite fit.

Then, as often is the case with me, other things happen. A confluence of little coincidences so to speak to just bring home the message - in case you missed the dead crow in your face. A song came on my playlist, ah yes me and my songs and what they say and mean to me.  See previous post "I'm moving through the dark of a long night". Well didn't that song come on. It is from War on Drugs new album called A Deeper Understanding (haha), the song called "Thinking of a place" and it has these words in it, I'm moving through the dark of a long night.  And I posted a blog about it. And here is the song again on my playlist of 900+ songs right after I leave the roadside, tears put away. Coincidence? I don't know but I committed to listening to the song in detail. This song by the way is also the song I spoke about in yesterday's post, where I witnessed Pam and Patrick dance to it in the kitchen.  Why is it there? Making me feel all these feelings? Well let's put aside it's spectacular guitar riffs, soulful steel guitar notes, the fact it is about 10 minutes long and is to me two songs into one, both a mournful and a hopeful joyous song. A little ditty of genius.  Let's put that aside. This song comes on and I must listen. I just killed a crow. I feel life's confluence happening here, music has always spoken to me, it my lover since age 15. Stay with me.


At first the song is sad it talks about meeting someone, first seeing them as light in life then them leaving, the sadness of that.

"It was back in Little Bend that I saw you
Light was changing on the water
Where birds above had flown
There was pain in your eyes
So you vanished in the night
Missouri River in the distance
So I lied upon the lawn

I remember walking against the darkness of the beach
Love is like a ghost in the distance, ever-reached
Travel through the night 'cause there is no fear
Alone but right behind till I watched you disappear"


The song is mournful and quiet, it kinda ends - it's unexpected when this happens you want to keep hearing the riffs the melody and beautiful magical words, you say no, it shouldn't end there, I want more  need to ... hear the hope. Then it changes  it fades out almost to a stop and but (happily you think) oh yes, it starts again. He talks about moving through the long dark night. The healing journey I guess because his love dissappeared. Then the song builds and builds and it comes back with even more beautiful music that grabs you and you get lost in it  just lost, you can't believe it almost ended way back there, and yet here it is still going on, the words ringing true, because they are what you were waiting for, you just knew it  you were waiting for this. They are about healing and finding new love and new life and new ways to journey through the dark night. It is oh so moving. It is oh so hopeful too.

"Come and take my hand, babe
There's a turn in the road that we've been taking
Let it set you free
Because there's a rhythm in the way that we've been moving
Yeah, there's a darkness over there, but we ain't going

See it through through my eyes
Walk me to the water
Hold my hand as something turns to me
And turns me into you
Lead me through the night
Pull me from the water
Hold my hand as something turns to me
Turns me into you"

This - all songs that grab me, like dead crows that smack me in the face -forced me to listen, to hear. I can only conclude that this was an ending or sorts, the crow, the serenade maybe confirmed it. A ending to this phase of grief.

The song speaks of a new beginning. I have moved into a new phase, a new beginning.

And it is good.