Leave what's heavy

"If you're lost and you're lonely
Go and figure out why
Take a trip to your dark side
Go on and have a good cry
Cause we're all lonely
Yeah we're all lonely together"

I woke heavy, that ever happen to you? Not sure why- but being who I am- I explored it. I knew eventually it would surface, I just needed to review some history, listen to some music, to my heart, my intuition and it would come. Eventually I had to put it away and work. So I did. I had a little cry and I went to work. Here in my -what is fast becoming- comfy homey-like apartment. I still felt the heaviness but work is a grand distraction. However, like returning to the scene of a crime you know you shouldn't you do it anyway, and I could not let it be. I wanted to see what was bothering me. Maybe I am under this grand illusion that if I know I can fix. Life is not that simple of course. Tangled and complex emotions took hold this am. From grief to coping mechanisms I use in life it was all there tangled up like Christmas tree lights each season when they are brought up from the basement.

And while marking my papers I looked down at it and realized how worn it is now. It's heavy and worn. It's broken and finished somehow. And it was oh so sad. A diamond missing, the emerald (my six year anniversary gift) dulled and craggy and sunken, about to fall out and be lost forever. I remembered the time I took the three original rings to be designed into this one, I remember wondering if he would be insulted and hurt by my change in the originals. I remember us walking from picking it up, how beautiful it looked then, all shiny and new, how I loved the one ring. I remember the comments I got. Secretly though I always felt bad about this ring, that I changed my three he gave me into one I wanted. I never stopped feeling that way despite loving the ring. I don't think he felt that, just me.

Suddenly I knew, it was time to come off now. It was time and as I pulled and pulled it felt tighter and tighter and the need to be free from this became ever more evident, ever more urgent. I was time, but it was so so sad. I ran cold ice water over my hand to help its progress, I tore my flesh, I yelled and screamed through the physical and emotional pain that surfaced. It came free. It was time and it was so so sad.  When I looked at it's sad sorry state I knew it was time and that this wasn't a bad thing, despite my really really good cry after I was released from it, it was a good cry I had. It's what was heavy and what I needed to let go of today.  I decided to keep his band for now, the one we bought on the Ponte Vecchio in Florence. This ring I let go today was mine, it was about me and I needed to let go of that.

Leave what's heavy
What's heavy behind
Leave what's heavy
What's heavy behind