Life savers

Sometimes when I look at my life over the past 8 years or so, I am sad. Much of it had been harsh and heavy. Lots of work in my career and work on myself to end with death of a spouse. On the GAF I would score high. I believe chronic stress has taken a toil on my body. I have turned away from healing gentle ways and fallen into bad habits. No exercise, bad diet etc. Here's news - it is time to stop looking there. Instead now I find I am looking with envy toward others with healthy clean living habits. They are life savers. I want that for me now. As a strong person who can go for what I want- whether it is to let myself go down the drain or let myself heal on a whole new level- I choose healing.

"This desperation
Dislocation
Separation, condemnation
Revelation in temptation
Isolation, desolation
Let it go"

I have a plan, not a goal. I can reach it, I see it there on the periphery. October is one of those times of the year when all is new again. I met Terry in early October, and we started our life together. I had Jeremy in October, a new mother with a new life to care for. It's a season of change and of new starts. People call it the mini new year, when change is about in the air. I see an opportunity to start afresh every fall when the crisp air arrives. I am tired of looking back, have been for awhile now.  I realize you can't drown your sorrows, you just need to swallow them, that way they don't keep coming up. Be at one with them. Take them in whole, into your soul. They are all a part of you all those sorrows. They shape you forever. They are life savers if you let them be.

I was told, you will have hope again, slowly all the dark you needed to escape into will be replaced with moving toward things in a light instead.  I was told, you deserve to be happy I want to see you happy.  I was told it will change, it sucks now but it won't always.  Life savers.

"If I could through myself
Set your spirit free, I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day"

I have spent a number of these last three years trying to stay the same, go back, relive, remember and I have concluded that this is futile. And for a very --what occurred to me at the time as a profound truth others might have seen or known all along--good reason, and that is  holy shit of course it is futile to go back, how could you, you are not the same person!  It was a simple statement by my mentor in photography. She another life saver. You are not the same person anymore Sussey and you can't yet know who the new you is.  Some core values and tenants remain, but how I live them out is changed. Who I live them out with will change. It is no longer my sweet Terry by my side, he only remains in my heart. This new Sussey moves forward grabbing those life savers thrown to me, towards this change of season, change of being - with the good of what she once was and hope in what she will become.

To let it go
And so to fade away
To let it go
And so, fade away

Wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no