About today

Being 14 years older than me and the fact that women usually out live men, I feared Terry would probably die first. Back in those days I didn't dwell on it, I didn't want to know the circumstances, the year or the calamity that would come knocking on our door to take him. I did not yet know how we would have progressed through life to that awful point and time. All of this has now come to pass, it's tragic details and meaning over. I left in it's wake. I heard a wonderfully tragic song by the National that rang so true a few months after his death, like a soothing balm for me to wallow in and feel it's comfort in the fact that others too know this terrible secret I live with. I was in the backyard of our house having the roof re done and crying over how you should have been there, not me, overseeing this. It hit me like a ton of bricks, asking me how I didn't see or ask about you when I should have.

Today
You were far away
And I
Didn't ask you "Why?"
What could I say?
I was far away
You just walked away
And I just watched you
What could I say?

How close am I
To losing you?

Death. That touchstone in my life's yet unknown lesson rears it's ugly mark once more. Today I woke restless and stirred with an overlying sadness that I am unable to shake yet unable to grasp. Almost like wearing death as a hair shirt knowing it wants another shot at me. It thinking I have not learned the lesson yet, that son and husband weren't enough. Cherry thoughts indeed, but I just can't shake them today. I mused on my own mortality to see if any of that rang true. No such luck for me as I think my fate is much worse  -a long life of loneliness and grief perhaps? More death? There are many more I love who could go. I can't ask why, I just can't know how close I am to losing ....

Instead I wander the apartment, walk the dog in a biting cold I barely feel and smoke myself silly all in an effort to avoid asking why, to not know. Introspection has many consequences, I wish the inside turmoil would stay quiet long enough so I can busy myself with the mundane aspects of life. But this also has never been my forte. I wear my insides on the out, they need release like a lit firecracker once something gets stirring. But what? I will just need to wait, to write it out, to let it surface.

Tonight
You just close your eyes
And I just watch you
Slip away

How close am I
To losing you?

Hey
Are you awake?
Yeah I'm right here
Well, can I ask you
about today?

Usually when I have days like this I know it's an aspect of grief clawing to the surface and the light of day so it can mingle with the knowing that teaches me. I can tell my insides to fuck off, I can drink or smoke it away and ignore it with netflix's and junk food and all ways of unhealthy coping but it will bug until I    ask about today.

Well, can I ask you what you want? What don't I know yet that will come and burn my heart again? What memory? What feeling still unfelt or not yet felt enough are you hiding in there that needs expression? Never mind that I am trying to get on with my life, to date, be happy, work- what now grief are you leaking from my eyes blinding me from seeing?

Grief, can I ask you about today?