Once she realized (advanced dating 401)

The saying goes something like this; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over  and expecting a different result. I get it. Move on. It might be uncomfortable to move on when you oh...have a good reason not to...have a moral high ground you don't want to step down from...feel sadness and grief in the moving on. But move on you must.  Sometimes if it ain't working it's simply because it's broke, it just can't be fixed. So move on.

I have had to swallow a lot since Terry died. I did not want to be alone, I do not like the feeling of loneliness, I loved the intricacies and intimacies of a long marriage too much. The cycles it went through, the coming to love someone deeper and deeper through hard times. The knowing and rewards only you and your partner felt and reaped from the going through it instead of abandoning it when it got tough. This I feel is not rare, many live long married lives and know what I am talking about, but I believe in today's world as it evolves and moves forward it's less common now. New people I meet don't know this. I equate it with trends like young people not believing in God or going to church anymore, or connecting with people through an online medium rather than a face to face meeting. How young people won't answer a knock on their door from a friend if it wasn't prearranged through a text. Trends that are not bad in and of themselves but the context and meaning and consequences behind it have ramifications for relationship.

Relationship. I can have a place for relationship again. Once I realized this I had a decision to make. Back out and embrace oneness or dabble in new relationships- I chose to dabble, never mind the fact that I didn't know a fucking thing about new relationships. I stayed alone for the first two years after Terry died, so impacted by his death I had no room for anything in my heart save grief and mourning for him. I had a heart full only for that, for my ghost. It was almost two years ago now that I made a decision to date again. It has been a long learning journey since. One of mostly huge disappointment sadly. Yet, there has been some good, the good being I have learned more about myself, about what I like, what I don't like, what I will put up with and what I won't, what I will change, what I won't. Does it balance out? Is it worth it?    No.        Not yet anyway.

I will never have a relationship like I had with Terry, even if one day I fall in love with a swell guy and we marry or live happily ever after (hahah), I will still never ever have that again. I get that now. I realize how wonderful it was to have that, how rare, how that changed me for the better, how that shaped who I was, how bloody blessed I was in life to have all that beauty and mystery and love. But I do not have that anymore.  That is over. So again I ask myself are the lessons I am learning in the new dating world balancing out? NO. The scales were tipped way too far in my favor for way too long, just more hard lessons for me I fear.

These last two years have made me examine reality versus fantasy. Just like the previous two years of intense grief, it has thus far been filled with lessons in disillusionment and disenchantment. And I am a pretty quick study, no flies on me, I got them. Lessons like don't settle, be authentic, the "one" isn't out there, stop looking for him you had that- you had that Sussey.  Other lessons I am finding out (or attracting???) are that men love to talk about themselves and we are perceived only as their sounding board, women's stories don't matter. Active listeners do not exist. Men care about what you can do for them, not what we can do together. Women are "whores" if they ask for it, "frigid" if they withhold, on the other hand men are "virile" and "macho" if they ask for it, "sensitive" and "shy" if they withhold. Women are "pushy" or "domineering" if they know what they want and go for it. Men are "confident" and "self reliant" if they know what they want and go for it. Men are from Mars women from Venus.

So what do you do about this once you realize? Well hopefully you learn, you take that knowledge and make changes in your behaviour and your ideas and you move forward differently. These are my ideas about it all and how I will move forward.  Advanced dating 401.

1) Expect nothing, say that again because it's really important Sussey, expect NOTHING. You won't be disappointed.  My god how true is that.
2) When a guy says "ask me anything" it's not because he is an open book, it's because he wants to talk about himself. Incessantly. Does he ask anything about you? If not, move on- he never will.
3) Never pay for a man's meal, dutch all the way. Don't let him pay for yours either, set the equality boundaries early.
4) Never text or call a man first, they get the idea you want them more than you really do, they use it against you by saying you are too needy or showing you that you are too needy by withholding intimacy. 
5) When they say friends with benefits, perhaps just perhaps the benefits there are something to consider. Non emotional attachment and sex- what is not to like there? Is it worse than emotional attachment and sex? Which hurts more when it ends?
6) Angry men can't hide that, men who want too much can't hide that, men who lie can't hide it, men who fear intimacy can't fake it, they will give you many hints you just need to actively listen for them. Never expect that any of them will change- move on.
7) Sometimes the lesson to be learned from a relationship is not yours, it is only for the partner you are with.
87) Date, date date, have fun, long term relationships are probably a thing of the past. For me at least I am starting to believe this is true.
9) Be yourself, and never ever change for someone, being yourself shortens the period of time it takes them to get to know what you are really all about, thus shortening the breakup time if they can't handle who that is.
10) Maybe being alone is worth the effort that that will take to feel, maybe, just maybe it will be less painful than these past two years.

I know these could be interpreted in many ways. Too bad, it's my journey and my lessons here. These are ideas I learned to consider- a window I am looking out of into my new life. More on my path perhaps? Maybe? Maybe not? But again they are my lessons. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

So was it worth it?  My answer is still a resounding No! Not worth the effort, at least that is how I feel today. And here is the real golden lesson folks - if I had put in the effort these last two years in feeling the pain of loneliness - the uncomfortableness of going out to a movie alone, dinner alone, cooking supper for myself alone, crying through the feelings of that without any crutches- then I could say it would have been so much more worth it. I would not be saying no I would be saying yes. Get out the cookbook Sussey, book that reservation at a restaurant of YOUR choice. And yes people told me, but that is for another blog. You learn what you are supposed to learn when you are supposed to learn it. The teacher appears when the pupil is ready.