Wait for it

It is so hard to wait. At least for me it is and I think this is one of my life lessons. I still have so much to learn here. "Patience is a virtue", "all good things come to those who wait", "great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance". I have heard them all, I pause, take them in and then move on to my desired destination- whatever that tends to be at any given moment. I have tried to analyze the lack of this virtue in my life, to reason why I am such an impatient person sometimes and I can't get to the bottom of it. I can only say perhaps I am frightened I will miss out on an opportunity, I will not get to my intended target and it will slip from my grasp- what will?  well- something I love, need, want, must have, can't live without, think I can't live without- it will disappear.  That is as close as I can get to the heart of this for now. That may be it, or it may be bullshit. I just can't figure it all the way through yet, that is why it is still one of my life lessons waiting to be learned.

So this need to wait for "it" is very painful for me. So I try to practice mindfulness when the need to be impatient or the torture of waiting for something is upon me. I try try try to live in the moment. When I can do this, even though I am feeling the angst of impatience tearing my soul, it is then that I am most virtuous. I know that, I know it to be oh so true, so why is it so hard to do then? Beats me. I'm human, I have faults, I'm far from perfect. It's okay, no one is.

Today I was feeling very very impatient, and very restless in my soul. I woke that way, part of it has to do with weekends and how they have changed since Terry has died, part of it has to do with not enough hours in the day to do all I have pressing on me, all I want to do, and all I should do, part of it is knowing truths I am not ready to admit to myself yet, and part of it remains a mystery. So I went for a walk in the woods. I took my Pax and I headed out just as the dawn was breaking. I was intentional in my exercise of mindfulness every moment of the walk. I felt the snow and ice below the icers on my boots as they gripped the ground keeping me upright and safe. I felt the wind and snow hit my face, the camera bouncing on my chest with each step. I noticed Pax's smile as he ran to and fro and back to me to say a silent "oh thanks mom I love it here". I noticed the frozen lake, the squirrel sitting calmly on the branch in the tree, the chickadee way up high in the tree, the crow cawing on the ice. I felt each footstep with intention. With total utter intention.

And still- I wait, I want, I feel impatience. I have much to learn and I am not sure I will live long enough to learn it all, and that has to be okay for now.